And it goes on....

My last blog took place a day before a major blow up with me and Clint. I kept rolling things around in my head about him and that female he was chatting with online and finally blew my stack. I was on the phone with my mom trying to figure out a way to get us all back to PA and the more I thought about him and that female the more pissed I got about it. At that time I had been sitting right next to him able to see every thing he typed to her easily and there were quite a few things he wrote that really stuck in my crawl, as well as things she wrote back to him. From where I'm sitting and what I saw of it, she didn't know about me and the kids until him and I had our talk out in the parking lot so I really couldn't get pissed at her when she didn't know, however once he DID tell her he was living with me as my boyfriend, I had every right to get pissed when she continued to tell him to move to El Paso TX with her and leave me and the kids. So... I LOST IT! I told my Mom that it would just be me and the kids moving to PA he was leaving me for that B**** and for all I knew he was already Scr***** the f***ing C*** and I had had it I didn't care and I just wanted to come home. My Mom told me she would have a UHaul for me at the end of April so I wouldn't have to stay here to long just to chill out and I would be home soon. Me and her hung up then and the fight was on yet again. Of course I had been yelling all of that at the top of my lungs because I was so damn pissed, so he did hear everything I had to say to my mom and he got pissed at me because I was "acting psycho" as he put it (anything I do in anger or jealousy is considered psycho by him usually because I can still throw one hell of a fit when I'm pissed, throwing things, acting irrational, punching doors, walls, dressers, pretty much any inanimate object that gets in my way when I'm that angry, I have yet to hit a person though). Clint started packing his things up in his blankets, disconnected his computer, all while we were yelling at each other about how wrong the other was to be pissed off. I told him to go F*** that Wh*** for a while so he could see exactly what he just lost because I was NOT going to be cheated on, lied to and then left in the dirt (or something to that effect anyway). I had him so pissed at me right back he was throwing his shirts at me and ended up breaking one of the drawers on the dresser in our bedroom when he kicked it. Him and I continued to scream and yell at each other for about and hour, me at him over that female he was talking to and him at me about how I have no right to be pissed when I talk to guys online. (Which I still don't see the similarities there because the guys I talk to are all old enough to be my father and we talk about Clint and my kids or their wives or girlfriends and their kids, not about me moving in with them or restoring their classic cars together like he was doing with her and I never once sent anyone of them a half naked picture of me like he did with her and half of those pictures he sent to her were pictures that I took for him just the night before and with my camera!) ANYWAY... I told him to stop doing what he was doing for just a second that I wasn't going to stop him from leaving but I did want to know where he was going so I knew he would be safe (I do love him and don't want to see him hurt or on the news found dead on the side of the road somewhere) and he looked at me funny so I told him I knew he was going and I was hurt by all of what had been going on not just our fighting for the last 3 days but the whole damn mess, that I do love him and didn't want him to go but I did need to know he would be alright when he left. Clint asked me about what me and the kids were going to do and I told him not to worry about us we would be fine the only thing I was worried about was him because I know he isn't the type of man to leave his family like he was going to do and never look back. Clint is the type of man he would get down the road quite a ways, calm down some and think "S*** I scr**ed that up" . He would think he scr**ed up so bad he wouldn't be able to come back or even call to talk because that is the type of man he is. He calmed down at that point and told me he wasn't going to leave but we had to figure out how we're going to get out of New Mexico, to PA. Clint left his computer unplugged for the rest of the day and we sat and talked some more. We talked about what all we need to get rid of so we don't have to take so much with us when we go and we talked about the issue of my Ex-husband and the older two boys and what problems we face with my ex. We talked about going to the beach and the time we will get to spend dating like we haven't had here. We set the time to move for June at the latest. For the last two weeks we have been back to normal no Internet guys for me and no Internet girls for him and we have been getting along wonderfully, even going to bed at the same time and curling up with each other in that cuddle we had before all the distance began between us. So I don't understand why yesterday I began to feel it all begin again. I was depressed all day yesterday but I think I hid it well because we still laughed and joked and picked on each other like we did before, but that dread was sinking in so fast and I couldn't stop it. We went to bed like we have been doing for the last two weeks and I thought we were OK. I had to get up to go to the bathroom and check on the kids then I went back to bed and a few minutes later Clint was up and out of the room. At first I didn't think anything of it but he didn't come back to bed like he had been doing. I was wide awake any way so I walked into the living room and he was quickly shutting down windows on his computer. I don't know what was going on but it really brings back the thought that he is doing it again. The thought that he is talking to her again or someone new this time and he is being more careful about it so I won't know. I don't know what to think about it and now that we have been through one incident already I can't help but think it's happening again. We were doing great for two weeks not a single thing wrong with us during that time not a clue as to anything at all bothering him. Am I over reacting again? I just don't know. When trust is broken it takes time to heal the wounds and gain that trust back and two weeks is not enough to do that. So would he be that callous as to begin talking to her again or someone else this time? I like to think he wouldn't but I just don't know any more. I do know that when the time comes to move I am prepared for him to tell me he isn't going. I wish I had something better to write here other than all this boo hoo stuff, but for now it's all I've got.