update

This is a continuation to my "Is it Over?" Blog. Clint and I had a blow up the other day which almost ended up in him leaving that night at about 2 am. How it all started was I was doing my "I'm staying out of the way" thing but I had an attitude about it and Clint had been sitting here looking depressed as all hell but I ignored it for the time because I didn't know how to fix it. Finally after about an hour of us ignoring each other he got up from his chair at the desk where our computers sit and he walked out of the apartment and I followed him. when I got to him, I told him if he wanted to leave to go because I can't keep him here. Which is the ultimate truth of the whole situation. I can't keep him here if he wants to leave. So finally we talked about what has been bugging us both... we are trapped in a hell hole in good old New Mexico "The Land of Entrapment". We talked about him sending me and the two kids at home to PA where my family is and that this is what we need to do to set us straight again. He told me that we are his family any way you look at it that we are it. When I first told him if he wanted to leave to get out of here to just go he had said he had no where to go that he wouldn't be able to go far from us any way even if he did want to leave and that he loves me and the kids. We love him too, Very much. When we began to talk about the move he had said that its just to get me and the kids to PA and he would bring all of our things to us in a Uhaul once we got there if that was what I wanted or he would get a moving company to bring it to us. That's where I began to freak out in my own head. To me it sounded like he was done with and that was it go back to Philadelphia and forget me. So I got upset and began to cry in the bedroom and it just got worse from there. I have never been able to get out my feelings in a good way so every time I would try to say why this all bothered me so bad it came out all wrong and Clint had finally had enough and headed out the door while I was crying and holding in screams of hurt at the same time(NOT a good combo by the way). I ran to the door after he walked out and at first I locked it and cried even harder because I knew that I had just made sure that this was it. Then I unlocked the door to chase him down because I do love him so much. So much, I felt my heart break. That is the most horrible feeling in the world and I never want to feel that ever again. So we talked some more about all of it and I thought we would be alright from there. Today we talked some more and I asked him about this other female and he told me "she doesn't know me she never will know me she is just someone to blow off some steam that's it." I want to believe so bad that, that is all it is, but right now with as cold and distant as things are I am having a hard time believing. I love him with all my heart and don't want to loose what we do have and yet I can't believe this will all work. In my head I am the problem that's the only way I know how to think about all of this. That somewhere I am the one who has messed all of this up. Clint told me today this isn't because of me or the kids just that something needs to change because we are dying here. I cant deny that or the fact that we need to do something to fix us now before its too late but I cant let go. I am so afraid even still that if I let go that's it..... When him and I were talking about this I understood all of what he was saying to me but once I had the chance to sit and think about all of it I can't see it now. In my head it is that I am too screwed up from all of my problems in my past for him to be able to Love me in return and so he has found a way to get us out of here before telling me that its over. that's what my tiny little messed up mind is screaming at me. I have been crying and beating my self up for the last few hours and know that now I need to write or it will consume me so wholly I will end up freaking out again and causing more damage to our already fastly crumbling relationship. Is there a way to fix this? I have no idea but I have my hopes while preparing for the worst. I hope we can be like my Mom and my Step Dad, who separated for 2 years, going so far as to file for a divorce, and are now moving back in together and buying a new house. My heart tells me this will work but my mind says it wont. Which do I believe, my heart or my mind? My mind wants to believe that everything will be alright but how do you make your mind believe the near impossible? I'm not stupid and I'm not a fool to believe everything someone tells me no matter how much I want to but how do you tell your heart that this is almost impossible? Tonight I got the chance to tell Clint that I talked with my grandparents about moving back home and they had said I can;t live with them and his reply was so cold it stabbed right through my heart yet again. He said " So call them and tell them to come get your ass". So after a comment like that and all the coldness in the reply how can I believe this plan is going to work? I am so confused right now its killing me. I don't think we should just throw away the last two years we have had but it seems like its going that way. I got pissed at the comment that was made and started to just go in the bed room to cry and then I got pissed at myself came out of the room adn told him " I told you earlier that if you wanted to leave just go..." adn his reply was " Oh Jeasus Christ are we going to do this again?" so at this point in time since I began the blog over 2 hours ago I have no idea where this is all going. I wish there was a God and he loved me because right now I sure don't feel very loved. All I really know right at this moment in time is my heart lies in shatters on the floor and I don't know what to do to fix it. I love him with all my heart and don't want to give away what we did have until a couple of weeks ago, I am willing to give this seperation a chance, and I know it won't work unless the coldness between us heals soon. I just wish he would give us he chance to heal it instead of remaining so cold becuase i cant fix the coldness on my own........